The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
