I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
