on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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