I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
