Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
