Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
