I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
