Plan B is the new Plan A
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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