I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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