the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
