I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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