That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
