i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
