you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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