At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
