If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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