When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize