my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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