Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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