well I can't set my house on fire every night
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
