My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
