I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
