Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
