sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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