Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
