Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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