this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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