I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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