So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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