don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
