If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
