yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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