fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
