note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
