Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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