i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
