the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
