and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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