Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
