I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
