sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize