Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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