Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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