and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize