Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize