I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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