You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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