my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
