508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
