ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
