I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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