if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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