So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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