you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
