he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
