if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
