I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
