The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
