Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
